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UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
Fast Facts
01.) The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
02.) Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
03.) Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
04.) The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
05.) American car horns beep in the tone of F.
06.) No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
07.) Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
08.) 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
09.) You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
10.) Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
11.) The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
12.) The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache
13.) A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
14.) American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
15.) Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
16.) The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA ."
17.) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
18.) The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
19.) The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
20.) Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
21.) The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
22.) Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
23.) Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
24.) Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
25.) Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. (Her doctor was a Jew!)
26.) Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
27.) All U.S. Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
28.) Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
29.) The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly
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