Favorite Stewie Griffin Quotes

It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I have no problem. There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, 'My God wouldn't it be marvelous if i turned out to be a homosexual?'

Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Hello, mother. I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint. It's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Oh hey lady. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Yeah, oh it's just me, Stewie, just being myself, ah yeah. Oh, oh well this here? Oh, it's just my package, yeah just ah just ah my package, God delivered it I signed for it the world keeps on spinnin', yeah.

Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk.

I bet you lost your virginity to a mechanical bull.

You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.

What's that? Oh yes, yes. I love crack. I'm absolutely coo-coo for crack!

I'd love to stay and chat but your a complete bitch.

Ummm, yeah. We couldn't run an ad that said no Portuguese, but ummm...no Portuguese.

Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.

Those jugs are mine until all the milk dries up. Then you can have the remains!

Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So...this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn't it? I mean you as well pack it in. Game over.

heres the Funny Video where Stewie meets Brians Girlfriend for the first time.