A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object. "I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000." "Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!" "Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."
Put on my shoe
Put on my shoe and thought there was a quarter in it which was weird. But it turned out to be a nickel, which makes even less cents.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says 5 beers please.
Blondes find a mirror
Two blondes finds a mirror on the sidewalk. The first blonde picks it up, looks into it, and says, "Hey, I know this person! I've seen her somewhere before." The second blonde takes the mirror, looks into it, and says, "Duh! Of course you have -- that's me!"
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
More Signs you are out of college
-- Your refrigerator holds more solid foods than liquids. -- You've lost the thread on your favorite soap opera. -- 8 a.m. means shower and shave, not wake and bake. -- You file taxes with more than three digits. -- You hear your favorite songs in doctor's waiting rooms and when you're on hold with the bank. -- You're not carded anymore for anything. -- You carry an umbrella. -- You now know there's no such thing as "looking mature." -- You get your news from sources other than ESPN and MTV. -- Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog. -- Doing shots and smoking cigarettes guarantees midnight dry heaves and a sinus attack instead of midnight skinny dipping and a Big Mac attack. -- You go from 130 days to seven days of vacation time. -- You actually eat breakfast foods -- at breakfast time.
Little Johnny and babies
Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," says his mom, "Of course not." After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: "Can I see your dad?" Johnny: "No, he's in the shower." Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?" Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too." Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?" Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"