A Mexican Magician
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says , uno, dos *poof*... He disappeared without a tres.
Blonde to the Sun
There was a blonde, and a man from another country at a bar, and the man said, "My country was the first from space," and at that time a red head came up, she said, " My country was the first to go to the moon." Then the blonde said," Oh yeah well I am gunna go to the sun!" The red head said, " Stupid you can't go to the sun it is too hot." Then the blonde replied, " That is why I'm going at night!"
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends
And he brings along a gorgeous young lady. "Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty. After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!" "I lied about my age" "And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?" "I told her I was ninety"
Tough to be Irish
"What's your name?", asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike. " Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”. "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises. "What happened to you, Mike?", she asked. "Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f**** Arabs."
A blonde walked up to a coke machine, put in a dollar, and got out a coke. She then put in another dollar, and got another coke. Again and again, she put in more and more dollars and got out more and more cokes. As she was doing this, a man came and stood behind her. he tapped her on her shoulder, and said "What on earth are you doing?" She replied angrily " Shut up! Cant you see im winning?!"
Jesus walks into a restaurant...
And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please" Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you." Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"
A pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane
"Thank you for flying with us this morning. The weather is....." Then suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the mic, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S BURNING!!!" A ghostly silence reigned. He gets back on the microphone and says, "I sincerely apologize for the incident, but I just dropped a very hot cup of coffee on my lap.. you should see my pants!" One passenger shouts back, "WHY DON'T YOU COME HERE AND SEE OURS!!!"
Standing at the bar at an International Airport
when this small Chinese guy walks in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the f*** you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
What does a clock do when it's hungry ?
Goes back four seconds.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."