Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow out." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs." On an electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push." At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." In a counsellors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."