Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
What do you call a fish with no eye?
When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Man, they really grilled me.
A communist joke isn’t funny…
… unless everyone gets it.
Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call a man who can’t stand?
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m terrified of elevators...
... so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I used to hate facial hair…
... but then it grew on me.
Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”
Why don’t crabs donate?
Because they’re shellfish.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
Everything will work out.
Ever tried to eat a clock?