Too Smart for first grade posted: 1/27/2015Printable Version

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was, and he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister in in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too." The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question, he would go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed. Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9" Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36" And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour, he told the teacher, "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right." The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?" Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I dont have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering, Johnny says, "pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

Lie Detector posted: 1/23/2015Printable Version

A new machine came to market, one that smacks those who lie. The father decides this could come of use, and decides to purchase it and takes it home.
A little while later, the principal calls telling him that his son skipped school. Outraged, the father confronts his son.
The dad scoffs, "Son! Where were you during school hours today?"
The son then replies, "At school!" to then be slapped by the machine. "Ow! Okay I lied I was at the movies."
Furious, the dad asks, "Which one?"
Mark then replies, "Harry potter." He's slapped again and says, "FINE it was a porno."
Surprised the dad exclaims, " your age I didn't even know what a porno was." The machine slaps the dad.
Watching it all unfold, the mother comes in and chimes in and says, "Hahahaha, after all he is your son." The machine gives her a hot, dirty slap.

Girls call me ugly posted: 1/19/2015Printable Version

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I let a blind man borrow some money the other day posted: 1/16/2015Printable Version

He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me

So a pirate walks into a bar posted: 1/14/2015Printable Version

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants..
Bar Tender: "hi sir, um.. you know you have a steering wheel in your pants right?"
Pirate: "Aye! it's driving me nuts!"

A drill sergeant and his cadet... posted: 1/9/2015Printable Version

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets. As he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave." The cadet replied, "Not me, sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

Things are good in Russia posted: 1/5/2015Printable Version

Two men were talking one day and one mentioned he was visiting Russia.
The friend tells him that it's politically rough over there and that they check letters leaving the country for dissenters. So, he instructs the man to use a code- write in black ink if everything is fine and red ink if things are bad.
The man goes to Russia. A couple weeks later the friend gets a letter in black ink. It says all sorts of positive things about Russia- how rich it is and how nice the people are to him. "My only complaint," he writes, "is that they don't have red pens."

A lot of people cry when they chop onions posted: 12/28/2014Printable Version

the trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Next Page - 8 More Jokes

Funny Jokes - Home Page