Blind Girlfriend

Posted: 7/6/2015

Broke up with my blind girlfriend She didn't see it coming

Hellen Keller

Posted: 7/1/2015

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller fall off a cliff? She had mittens on.

broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye

Posted: 6/29/2015

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

Five Horses

Posted: 6/25/2015

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates

Posted: 6/22/2015

His poems weren't always first rate, His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had, Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

A woman will appear on the $10 bill!!

Posted: 6/19/2015

It will be the first $10 bill to be worth $7.50

Life is like a box of chocolates

Posted: 6/18/2015

It doesn't last as long for fat people.

The lesson is

Posted: 5/21/2015

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane

Posted: 5/18/2015

An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” ” Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

Posted: 5/14/2015

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger. Doctor: how did this happen? Blonde: I tried to suicide. Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide? Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

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