I got fired

Posted: 7/9/2018

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.


Posted: 7/5/2018

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I just think marathons are way too much running.


Posted: 7/5/2018

Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.

Now he’s an exterminator.

The worst Jokes

Posted: 6/20/2018

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

What do you call a fish with no eye?

When is your door not actually a door?
When it’s actually ajar.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
Man, they really grilled me.

A communist joke isn’t funny…
… unless everyone gets it.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

I’m thinking about removing my spine.
I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

I’m terrified of elevators...
... so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I used to hate facial hair…
... but then it grew on me.

Three fish are in a tank.
One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

Why don’t crabs donate?
Because they’re shellfish.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
Everything will work out.

Ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s time-consuming.

More Bad Jokes

Posted: 6/7/2018

What did the pirate get on his report card?
Seven Cs!

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

(Photo: Paramount)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s got little legs.

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?

Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they’re so easy to catch.

Why are cats bad storytellers?
Because they only have one tale.

How do you organize a space-themed party?
You planet.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
A satisfactory!

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don’t know why!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

Some Bad Jokes

Posted: 5/31/2018

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one!

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn’t been made up yet.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.


Posted: 5/31/2018

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Hypothetical vs Actual

Posted: 10/9/2017

So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual."
His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. "
So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes." "Well son, that's your answer."
"But I don't get it", the boy says.
"Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of whores."

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound

Posted: 10/6/2017

St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Will go to hell

Posted: 10/4/2017

Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell. Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - He too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.

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