The lesson is

Posted: 5/21/2015

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane

Posted: 5/18/2015

An Atheist and a Little Girl on a Plane An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” ” Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know shit?”

A blonde was rushed to the hospital

Posted: 5/14/2015

A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger. Doctor: how did this happen? Blonde: I tried to suicide. Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide? Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.

Marriage Decision

Posted: 5/11/2015

A man who had been seeing three different women decided it was time to settle down and get married. The problem was, he couldn't decide which woman to ask to marry him. Then he had an idea: he'd give $1,000 to each of them and whatever they did with the money would influence his decision. So one week later, the first woman goes up to him and says, "I spent that money on a makeover, a set of luxurious cosmetics, and some beautiful new clothes. I want to look as beautiful as I can for you because I love you so much." A week later, the second woman comes up to the man and says, "Here, sweetheart. I'm giving your money back to you. It wouldn't be right for me to accept this kind of a gift; I want you to keep it. I want to be as unselfish as possible because I love you so much." A month later, the third woman pays the man a visit and says, "I took your $1,000 and invested it. I got in touch with a stock broker who had a couple of lines on some good short-term stock picks, and in just the past month-and-a-half I managed to turn the $1,000 into $1,218. And I'm giving it all to you because I love you so much." So who does the man pick to marry? That's easy! The one with the biggest Boobs!

Sitting at the Bar

Posted: 5/7/2015

A man is sitting in a bar having a beer. This other guy walks in, goes to the bar. He orders a shot of the special tequila and slams it down. He walks out to the building across the street, up to the roof, then jumps off and lands in the street on his feet. He walks back into the bar, orders another shot of special tequila, goes back the building and jumps off, again landing safely. He walks back in and tells the first guy, "Hey you should try that special tequila." The first guy says "OK, gimme a shot." He takes a shot, goes to the roof, jumps off, and SPLAT, is turned into a puddle of liquid goo. Bartender looks at the second guy, "Superman, you're such an asshole."

2 kids fighting

Posted: 5/5/2015

I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in. They didn't stand a chance.

Barking Dog

Posted: 5/4/2015

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like all the barking!"

Cowboy walks into a country western bar

Posted: 4/30/2015

And is in the mood for some dancin. He just creased his shirt, starched his pants and most importantly, spit shined his boots. Feeling confident he walks up to the first good looking girl he's says and asks her to dance. She says sure and they hit the dance floor. A little while in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearing purple panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he tells her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling confident he walks up to the next pretty girl he sees and asks her to dance. She says yes and together they go out to the dance floor. A little ways in he says: "'scuse me miss, you don't happen to be wearin pink panties?" She says yes and when she asks how he knew he told her that he just spit shined his boots. She slaps him and walks away. Still feeling it, he walks up to another gorgeous gal and asks her to dance. She obliges and they begin dancin. A little ways he in he looks down at his boot, looks at the gal, then looks back down to his boot. He says to her: "miss, you aren't wearing in panties are you?" When she says no and asked how he knew he replies: "thank god, I thought I had a crack in my boot."

You know what they say?

Posted: 4/27/2015

If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you.

Salad For Dinner

Posted: 4/24/2015

Last night I had a salad for dinner. It was a fruit salad and had grapes. Lots of grapes. It was all grapes. It was wine

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