Why do old people read the bible so much?
cramming for finals
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner. you become a vacuum cleaner
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story? "Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!
You are next
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed....
A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
Three blondes are walking through a forest
...when they spot tracks on the ground. The first blonde says: "Look, those are deer tracks." The second blonde looks at them and says: "No you're wrong, those tracks obviously belong to wolves." The third blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You're both wrong, these are hog tracks, I'm sure." They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A Mexican Magician
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says , uno, dos *poof*... He disappeared without a tres.
Blonde to the Sun
There was a blonde, and a man from another country at a bar, and the man said, "My country was the first from space," and at that time a red head came up, she said, " My country was the first to go to the moon." Then the blonde said," Oh yeah well I am gunna go to the sun!" The red head said, " Stupid you can't go to the sun it is too hot." Then the blonde replied, " That is why I'm going at night!"
A rich old man goes golfing with his friends
And he brings along a gorgeous young lady. "Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty. After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!" "I lied about my age" "And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?" "I told her I was ninety"