Hypothetical vs Actual
So a young boy comes home from school and says, "dad, my teacher said my homework for the night is to find out the difference between hypothetical and actual." His dad says, " well son, go ask your mother if she'd sleep with her boss for a million dollars. Then, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with her principal for a million dollars and come back, tell me what they said. " So the young boy goes and asks both his mom and sister, comes back. "dad, they both said yes." "Well son, that's your answer." "But I don't get it", the boy says. "Ya see, HYPOTHETICALLY we could be millionaires but, we're ACTUALLY living with a couple of whores."
A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound
St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Will go to hell
Priest - Don't drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell. Alcoholic - Is it? What about the guy who sells the liquor? Priest - He will also go to Hell. Alcoholic - Ok, what about the guy who sells pork tacos in the food truck outside the Liquor Store? Priest - He too will go to Hell. Alcoholic - In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.
3 pregnant woman in a bar.
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead, and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said, "If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".
What is the worst part about time traveling jokes
You already know the punchline.
A Double Standard
If a woman sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a slut. But if a guy does the same thing, then he's gay.
A blonde tries to solve a puzzle
A blonde has been working on her new puzzle for a couple days now but can't seem to get it right. One day, her husband comes home to his wife crying at the kitchen table. He rushes over and asks his wife why she was crying, and she replies "I've been working on the puzzle forever but can't figure it out! It's supposed to be a tiger." The husband shakes his head and says "honey put the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Friends are like Snowflakes ...
...if you pee on them they go away
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too hi
She looked surprised.
Never go shopping when you are hungry.
but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.